Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mom would have been 62 today, had CJD not killed her at age 56.  She lied about her age.  Every year, she was 29. Again.  I suppose she wouldn’t have wanted to be 62 anyway.  But 56 is still too young to die.  I know the Kenny Chesney song I’m posting is really about someone even younger passing away, but I can’t help but wonder; who would my mother be today?  What if all this had never happened to my family?  Where would we be?  But it’s not worth thinking about.  It’s all lost.

Tomorrow will mark six years since she died.  I’m posting today so that people who are going through this hell — this CJD thing — can know that life goes on and grief evolves.  It never leaves, but it changes through time because we change through time.  This is the first year I am taking time to…just…be…during these tough anniversaries.  Usually I work myself to death and stay busy.  I foolishly think this will keep my mind off it.  That never works.  I just end up bitchy and stressed out, unfriendly to all those around me.  This year, I’m not working.  I’m actually job searching and just chilling out at home.  I’m taking that quiet time I’ve never really taken on the past five anniversaries.  The ultimate goal was just to get the hell out of Phoenix for the entire month of November each year or at least take a vacation during this week.  I actually did that once; our whole family went on a cruise.  It was the easiest anniversary of them all.

Short of the cruise, I am stay-cationing this time.  I’ll let you know how it works out.  But the point is that you have to do what’s right for you.  This feels right this year.

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